I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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