Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
