Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
