take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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