Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
