Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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