I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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