upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
