The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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