I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
