we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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