So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
