neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize