pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
my vag is so smooth its legendary
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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