I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Randomize
