okay pat passed out under dana's car
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
