I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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