if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize