I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
