i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
