how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
