Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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