I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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