On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Randomize
