The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
