He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
