Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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