note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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