Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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