I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
