My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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