Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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