i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
