just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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