I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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