If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
