Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
