I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
