my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
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