i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
