hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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