Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
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