As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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