we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
