I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
