he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
