before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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