You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize