The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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