Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
