I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you didnt know i had herpes?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
