I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I won't apologize to a one balled man
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
