Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize