I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
