I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
