Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Sober January is a disaster.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
that is very illegal...i love you.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize