when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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