my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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