I will die if light touches me.
She said her name was "party"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize