Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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